Thursday, June 02, 2005

A line from a new country song I heard the other day keeps running through my head - "I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much."                  I am debating whether or not that is true. I have reached the point where I can't cry any more - not that I have cried so much that there are no tears left - no, this is different. I physically can't seem to produce any tears - or maybe my mind is working super-hard to prevent them - after all, the mind is a powerful thing. The events of the day should have made me happy, but it's funny how one tiny little comment that is overheard can shift my perspective in a completely different direction. I left with my heart pounding, my mind racing, and my face flushed (of course, none of this was obvious to anyone else, I'm still a pretty good actress)- but no tears would come. It's as if my mind has somehow convinced my eyes that tears are useless - but in a way, I would welcome the tears - at least the stirring in my heart would feel more justified. Somehow, somewhere along the way my head must have accepted that this is the way it will always be - but my heart still screams with all it has that "THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!!"